If I had a Boyfriend…Am I Pretty?


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“If I had a Boyfriend…Am I pretty, enough? Does he like me because I am pretty? Or does he think my face is flawed? Is my body size okay? Am I too fat? Is my body proportioned? Does he think my hair is too frizzy? Do I look ugly?”

You know, when you enter a relationship with someone, there is definitely something special about you that intrigued him. And that something special does not have to be physical. Your appearance does not define who you are, your character defines who you are. That is what he likes about you.

  • Many people are insecure about their appearances, not only girls, guys too.
  • Body image is something many people struggle with because we are expected to look a certain way based on the influences of social media.
    • girls are always striving towards a thin image
    • guys are always striving towards a muscular image
  • Hairstyle is actually a visual factor that leaves either a negative or positive impression. But at the end of the day, it is not about looks.
    • some people like long hair, some people like short hair
    • some people like man-buns, some people like boy-cuts
  • No one has a flawless face, there will definitely be some scars from acne
    • make-up can cover these flaws but you can’t hide it forever
    • everyone gets acne, we should embrace our face and take care of it
      • “Personal hygiene is the secret to confidence.” It does not matter what others think because you know that you shower every day, wash your face with all kinds of cleansers and face wash. You take care of yourself, and you know it!
  • Embrace your genetics. Some people are just built to have bigger hips or a chunkier body. But that does not make you, not beautiful. And it definitely does not mean you are ugly. “The older generation always said, what matters the most is that you have a beautiful heart.”
    • There is thing song I came across on Youtube about a month ago, and it is called [胖是一種罪]. Literal translation in English is, “Being Fat is a Sin.” This song is sang by 陳睿纁 (胖虎) Who C. and 魚乾 Annie. I believe they are both Youtubers from Taiwan. (I will put the link to the song at the end of this post so you can check it out.)
      • This song talks about how being fat is a “sin” because it puts a label on us. It is as if fat individuals have a stereotype of how they should be acting.

“All my life, I let my appearance define who I am. It never occurred to me that people may want to get to know me because of my character. The way I see myself and the way the mirror shows me are two different image. I have this image of myself implanted in my head, and it not who I really am.” -Winksfairy

In all those romance dramas and movies, the main character is always a plain girl who finds a handsome guy that she falls in loves with. In some of these romance stories, the girl is chubby or overweight. But she will become “beautiful.” Actually, she was already beautiful to begin with. She has a beautiful heart. The chubby overweight girl always has to lose weight in order to become beautiful. 

These main characters always have to go through an intense physical change where she comes back skinny. Yes, she looks pretty thin, but she did not look bad either before her weight loss. These characters are not simply losing 10-20 pounds, these characters go through extreme weight loss where she loses ~100 pounds. A good example would be Kim Pil-Sook from the teen-idol Korean drama, Dream High.

Pil-Sook was extremely overweight but she had a beautiful voice and a musical talent. So she applied for admission to Karin High School, an Art and Music School known for producing idols. During the day of auditions, she wore a costume to her audition because she was afraid her physical appearance would take away her chances of even auditioning. Luckily she was able to audition in her costume, and her angelic voice won over the judges. But she had to show the judges who she was, because her picture on her application was blurry.

When she took off her mask, everyone was in shock. Someone even said it was such a same that someone with such a beautiful voice had such an appearance. Someone else said that “God is fair,” because of her extraordinary talents, she had to be flawed somehow. Everyone approves of Pil-Sook’s talent, but no one approved of her appearance because she was fat.

Pil-Sook liked her classmate Jason. He was talented and handsome. In fact, everyone liked him. And he liked Pil-Sook. But due to her appearance, he could not physically accept her as someone he would potentially date. However, he notices her and even stood up for her on multiple occasions. To be honest, he did like her, but her appearance deter him from pursuing her.

When Pil-Sook finally made up her mind to lose all her weight, she did! She suffered and battled with herself every day (for 200 days). But she did it, she lost all the weight. Pil-Sook has become what the society viewed as beautiful because she was now thin. For me, she looked great after her first weight lost. In the beginning after the auditions, Pil-Sook already lost about 10-20 pounds where her face changed (that is because in the audition episode, she was suppose to be at the heaviest weight.) After her first weight loss of 10-20 pounds, it was still seen as not good enough, Pil-Sook was still discriminated.

For the rest of the story, I recommend you actually watch Dream High to find out what happens to Pil-Sook and Jason. My main focus telling this story is that Pil-Sook went on an extreme weight loss because she felt she was not beautiful enough for Jason. She was not beautiful enough for the society because she wanted to be an idol. And for her to be able to be a visual image for the public, she needed to be of a certain appearance. But in real life, should we all be this realistic? Should we only choose to accept someone because of their appearance, not because of who they are?

“If I had a Boyfriend, he does not need to tell me I am pretty. Because when he does, I will always have this question if he is lying. Maybe I am too harsh on myself, but I can’t help it. I will always be questioning if that statement is true. The best thing he can say is, ‘I think you are beautiful because…[give me a reason]…’ Let me know why you think I am pretty. Don’t just tell me, let me know! Because the truth is that I am insecure. And I can’t see how you see me. So I wonder, how come you see me so special? What do you really see in me?”

At the end of the day, everyone is the same. Everyone is simply insecure, so they are looking for assurance from their partner. Simply telling someone they are beautiful or pretty will probably make her feel good for the moment. But the next day, she will still wonder if she is still as beautiful or as pretty as the day you first told her. If you told her with a reason, then each time she feels she is beautiful or pretty, she will remember why. She can be beautiful because of her sparkling eyes that light up when she is excited. Maybe it is because of her smile that shows her teeth when she is happy. It can also be how her hair shines a new color when it is in the sun. There are endless reasons. Another reason could be that she appears to be glowing because of a good deed she did that makes her heart feel light.

For those of you who are in a relationship, communication and confidence are two of the most important things. If you are a girl, don’t always wonder how to become beautiful physically. Beauty is within. If you are a guy, when you tell someone she is beautiful, you must have a reason why. So, why not tell them the reason? The lesson here is that “you are pretty.” You don’t need to rely on him telling you how beautiful you are. You just need to believe that you are too. Because, you are! ❤




Ringing that Never Picks Up


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Have you ever called someone with a heavy heart, yet scared excitement hoping he will pick up? At the same time, you do not want him to pick up…

  • Each ring makes your heart skip a beat because your mind is filled with remembering what you want to say to him.
  • You want your voice to sound a certain way, so you keep clearing your throat hoping no mucus will be in the way making your voice crack.
  • In your head, you are also counting the number of times the phone rang.
    • After the third time, you expected him to pick up, but then you hear the ring again.
    • After the fifth time, there is a pause. At least, you hear the pause. You thought he picked up, so you say, “Hello? Hello. HELLO?!” But then a ring interrupts you in the middle of your last “hello.
  • You keep switching hands holding your phone because your hands are getting sweating. And it is not just your hands that are getting sweaty, the side of your face is heating up from the long contact on the phone’s surface. Let’s not forget your ears that have been pressed back by your phone and the direct ringing of the call.
  • Sometimes you do not notice when this first happens, but you will notice when your legs are suddenly shaking on their own. You do not remember when you started doing it, but you cannot stop it right now. Your legs become restless.
  • Yet, you are still sitting on the edge of your chair being attentive to the ringing of your phone.

Each ring seems like an eternity apart. You sometimes start to wonder if regular phone calls took this long of a wait. You would think back to when you last called your parents, and it didn’t take this long. You would think back to the last person you called who probably only took two rings before they picked up and said, “what’s up?” Actually, the last time you spoke on the phone with someone, they called you!

The ringing finally stopped. But this time, it is real. You are not startled by a follow up ring. You have reached the voicemail automated voice message that is telling you, “Sorry, the person you are trying to call is currently unavailable right now. Please hang-up and try again, or leave a message after the tone. beep~” 

When this happens to you, what kind of emotion are you feeling? Do you feel sad? Or is disappointment the word you are looking for? Do you feel angry? Or the better word is betrayal, lost of security? Why is it that you might feel happy? Maybe it is that you feel relieved? In fact, you were holding your breathe this whole time (not because you wanted to, but because that was your body’s automatic response).

Actually, how many times have you called him already? Do you remember the first time you called him on his phone, right after you got his number? (Not many people ask for phone numbers, anymore. But I think it is one of the most magical moments in your life when the person you like [technically, have the biggest crush on] ask you for your number. Your world stops and you cherish that moment forever.) Do you remember the last time you called him? Did he pick up? What did you guys talk about?

What was the most memorable phone call? Was it the first time he called you? Was it the time he called you back after you guys had an argument? Was it the time he called you to let you know he was safe wherever he was because you guys are long distance? Was it the time you called him because you were troubled and needed his support? Was it the time you called him to yell at him for something so stupid you do not even remember why you called him in the first place? What did that phone call meant to you?

Ringing that Never Picks Up is a reminder. Sometimes relationships end, but it is not accepted. We may continue to call his number hoping he will pick up, even though, from the beginning, we already knew that he will not. By continuing to call, we have this expectation, this hope. This hope keeps us going, thinking, “there will be a next time.” But actually, this is a coping mechanism to temporarily hide from reality (not to reject it). Some people say I’m weak for thinking this way. But one day, I will stop calling. Its just that, today, I still need to. Until the day comes when calling him no longer means anything to me, because I have accepted that this call is no longer meaningful to me. It is the time to let go, and I am very willing to.

Ringing that Never Picks Up is probably an issue many people can relate to because of someone that we tried to call who never responded. We are left with frustration and persistence to get an answer. This does not have to be just between lovers, it can be between friends, family members, and even professional associates. Everyone reacts differently, but we will all experience a feeling of anxiousness for our own different reasons. What is yours? 

Gift Meaning, Give Meaning Special


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This is Part II of the original post “Gift Meaning, Give Meaning.”

For those of you who had read the original post, I want to say that this post is related to that post. Except, this is not a Sequel. This story is more similar to a Prelude.

“Gift Meaning, Give Meaning” told a story of a boy who tried to confess to his friend. But it focused on how the girl (the friend) did not notice her friend’s feelings. Whenever this boy would go on vacation, he would tell the girl. The girl would always ask him to bring back souvenirs from his trip.

  • Bringing back souvenirs for the girl has become a habit for the boy. And the girl has never saw anymore meaning in the souvenirs other than a souvenir from a place she has not visited yet.
  • Bringing back souvenirs had become meaningful to the boy. Each gift he brought back for her was special. He would specifically pick out something nice for her.

Little did the girl know that the boy bringing her back souvenirs was a sign that he liked her. But he never directly told the girl that he liked her. He thought that she would get the hint from his souvenirs. A part of him might have been waiting for the girl to confess to him. And a part of the girl may have been waiting for the boy to confess to her.

  • Throughout their time in High School, the boy ends up confessing to numerous girls. Every girl but her.
  • Throughout their time in High School, the girl held onto her feelings for her first love (who was not this boy).
  • These two people were both struggling to find love when this love was always there. Sometimes, if we just step back and look around ourselves, we will notice something. “We will notice that who we have besides us may not be as intriguing as who we cannot have, but who we have was always there.” He(she) may be like an open book to you. But he(she) is only open to you. No one else.

There were many signs. Friends of the two would always ask why didn’t the two of them start dating. But there was something that was more important than love relationships. To this girl, their friendship was more important than having a love relationship. She straight-forwardly told the boy that “she would not date her friends.” 

  • Little did the girl know that her words would have such a big effect on this friendship. She wanted to retain this friendship so she did not want a relationship. But by not wanting a relationship, she strained this friendship.
    • The boy was hurt. He lost confidence and never confessed to her. He built confidence and took his plan step by step. But she shattered it all when she told him “I don’t date friends.”

Even though those were the words that the girl stood by. Subconsciously, this girl did see this boy as a potential partner. Some of the things he did for her, at the time were taken for-granted. But as she got older and looked back on their friendship, she realized. She realized that he was there for her, all the time.

  • After school, they would wait for each other to take the train home.
    • If they did not end at the same period, the girl would wait for the boy for an extra period. She would wait until his class was over to walk with him to the train station and take the train home.
    • Sometimes they would go somewhere after-school together. They would go play handball or travel somewhere for food.
    • When the girl had to go to her place of volunteer, he would accompany her on the train and drop her off at her volunteer place. (Then he would take the train home by himself.)
  • In the morning, the boy would make an effort to wait for the girl at the train station to walk with her to school.
    • The girl would sometimes be late. But he would wait for her until the last minute.
    • On some days when he did not have first period, he would still show up at the train station waiting for her.

One day, back in High School, this girl had a dream. Her dream felt so real. She woke up with an aching heart. In this dream, she saw her boyfriend. But she never saw his face. His face was always blurry every time she tried to look at him, in her dream.

“Many years ago, I had a vivid dream. In this dream there was a guy holding my hand and taking me everywhere with him. Specifically in this dream, he would lead. I was always following behind him, but he held on tightly to my hand. He stood in front of me, as if he was guarding me from all the dangers of the world. I stood behind him, as if he was my shield and guide to bring me to a whole new world. However, whenever we sat down, we would sit together. We would only sit in seats that allowed us to be sitting side by side, next to each other. We never sat in seats that allowed us to face each other. This dream mainly focused on the two of us taking the train together. We were students wearing our backpacks. I still remember that he wore a hoodie. His hair was short, but not too short. He was taller than me, but not too tall.” -Winksfariy12

This dream has a very important meaning. At the time, when she analyzed this dream, the girl thought she was finally going to have a boyfriend. She did not know who he was or where he is. But she felt that having this dream reassured her that one day this guy will show up in her life, to be with her.

But today, as we analyze this dream, we realized that this dream was trying to tell this girl that her potential boyfriend is someone that is besides her. In the dream, they took the train together. In the dream, the boy guided the girl and took her on adventures. In the dream, the girl and the guy never faced each other when they sat down, but they were always sitting together.

  • The boy taking the girl’s hand and guiding her on adventures they took together.
    • The girl in this story would follow the boy to places that he wanted to visit for food. After-school, he would take her with him to food eateries.
    • The boy always took the lead because the girl (of this story) was very shy. She was often scared of crowds, but the boy would still drag her with him. He encouraged her not to be scared because there was nothing to be afraid of.
  • This dream mainly focused on the two of us taking the train together.”
    • These two people’s relationship mainly related to taking the train together after-school. The train was their method of transport to all the places they needed to go: to play handball, to the volunteer location, to the food eateries.
  • We were students wearing our backpacks.”
    • This boyfriend from the dream is most likely someone from school.
  • We would only sit in seats that allowed us to be sitting side by side, next to each other. We never sat in seats that allowed us to face each other.”
    • I think this scene in the dream is the main focus of the dream. This scene tells the dreamer that the boyfriend is someone that is by her side but she does not see him. The boyfriend is right next to her, but she does not know it!
      • Clearly, this dream was telling the girl (of the story) that her friend (the boy with the souvenirs) is the boyfriend! He is someone that is by her side, but she did not see him as a boyfriend even though there were many signs of them acting and being like a couple.

All along, this girl’s conscious was telling her that the boyfriend has already appeared. He was someone that may not have intrigued her interest, but he was someone that was always by her side. Most of the time, what we want is not what we need. Our ideal guy(girl) can be the most perfect person in the world. But at the end of the day, this ideal guy(girl) is not someone that can be with us, support us, and most importantly, accept us for who we are. “Sometimes, the most perfect person for us was someone that we never thought would be our ideal.”-Winksfairy12

For those readers that had read the original post of “Gift Meaning, Give Meaning,” you already know the ending of this story. But what is the moral of this story? I want readers to take a step back from themselves and look at their own lives from a third person perspective. Especially those who are waiting and still searching for love.

  • Is there something missing in your life? (Love)
  • Is this love really missing? (Who do you have with you?)
  • What does love mean to you? (Are you chasing after an ideal?)

Everyone perceives love differently.

  • Some people see love as simple as the fallen seeds of a tree. These seeds have potential to be planted and grow into a tree. Yet, these seeds can also be seeds that never get planted and be recycled back into the environment.
  • Some people see love as strong as the roots of a thousand year old tree. The roots are deeply planted and help hold the structure of the tree. It is not that easy to remove a tree stump once a tree has been cut down.
  • Some people see love as complicated as the branches of two trees growing side by side. The branches grow in whatever direction they please. But sometimes the branches can get in the way and its leaves will fall however they please.

Love cannot be taken for-granted. Most of the time, your ideals are not your perfect match. It is often the underdog, someone who you least expected, that shows up and wins your heart. He(she) wins your heart with his sincerity, not with your standards.

Thank you for reading! 🙂

Daydreams allow us to revisit past memories of ourselves. We will sometimes realize how difficult we were, but that’s okay. Because this is all part of growing up and learning about how we want to go on with our lives. ❤