Hello Fellow Readers, and Welcome to DayDream!
In this segment of “If I had a Boyfriend Series,” I would like to talk about spending…time and money. In every relationship, it would be ideal to spend every minute of every day with your significant other, doing whatever you want; but we all know that besides each other, we have other responsibilities and commitments, as well.
When we think about dating, we often imagine how much time two people will spend together. But in reality, we should think about how much time two people will not be spending together. And most of this unspent time together is because of work.
There are many reasons why two people may be spending less time with each other, but among those reasons, I would like to focus on work.
Why do we work? Well, we ultimately work to earn money, money to spend… In this case, we are spending this money for our significant other:
- Spending money on dates
- Spending money on gifts
- Spending money to look more presentable
“When I have a boyfriend, I would like us to go on adventures. These adventures are dates. We are spending time together, doing something we both would like to do.” -Winks
Many girls complain about how little time their boyfriends are spending with them:
- “He is always playing games instead of wanting to go out.”
- “He only wants us to hangout with his friends…”
- “Why is he not here when I need him?!”
- “He always has work!”
- “I want to do more than just hangout at his house or my house.”
- “I wish we can go on a date. Like, a real date.”
- “He said he didn’t have money so we couldn’t go anywhere.”
There are different reasons in different relationships as to why couples are spending less time with each other. But for girls who has boyfriends who are telling you it is because they have work, I think you should stop a bit and think about what he said…
- He is working.
- Working to make money.
- Money to spend.
- Spending it on dates, gifts, you…
- He is sacrificing time to spend with you with work because he wants you to be able to go on the dates you tell him about.
- He wants to give you the things you ask for.
“I have to say, this is really sweet. Although we live in a gender equal society, some men still want to be able to show their women that they can support them. We may not always need their support, but it is their way of telling us ‘I Love You’ without having to actually say it. Guys get shy. ;)”
Not all girls expect the guy to buy everything and pay for everything. But most guys feel obligated to buy and pay for everything. It can be due to social media portrayals of the idea of “being a gentleman.” There are many factors to being a gentleman, and paying the bill is on the list. However, some girls like to “go Dutch.”
“Go Dutch” refers to splitting the bill or each person paying for their own expense
I would like to share the story of Jeremy. Jeremy is a friend of mine whose story came to be because he would not “go Dutch.”
Jeremy’s first girlfriend was this girl name Esther. Esther is a girl that is very independent, and did not like to take advantage of others. She is someone who feels uncomfortable when she is over-benefiting because she feels that by over-benefiting, she is taking advantage of the person or the situation.
Jeremy is someone who may be thrifty where he does not mind spending a pretty penny for something that he really likes, even if it may be a bit overpriced. To friends, he is a great guy because he does not mind being the guy who chips in more or pays for it all.
And this story goes…
Esther was Jeremy’s first girlfriend. He really cherishes her because it took him a lot of courage to ask her out. In the past he failed many times at asking girls out. So when Esther said “yes,” Jeremy was overwhelmed with excitement. He wanted everything to be perfect. He did not want to mess up or give Esther the wrong impression.
Because he wanted to be the perfect boyfriend, he felt it was his duty to pay for all the meals and buy Esther things she liked. So on each date, Jeremy insisted on paying every bill. When Esther makes a comment about liking something in a store, he would secretly buy it when she is not looking and give it to her at the end of the date.
“Personally, I think Jeremy’s actions are quite cute because we can see that he is nervous and is trying to make the best impression he can. But his actions seem too ideal. Most girls can only imagine their boyfriends going the extra mile to secretly buy them all the things they only mentioned, that they liked.”
However, this type of action from Esther’s point of view is disapproving. Esther does not like over-benefiting, (but Jeremy did not mind under-benefiting, for her.) His actions scared her. She wanted to split the bills. She did not want Jeremy to recklessly buy her things just because she made a positive comment about the item.
Esther talked to Jeremy about his buying and paying for everything. She wanted to split the bills, and buy him treats too. But Jeremy insisted he pays. During one of the last dates leading to the official break up, Jeremy secretly paid the bill when he “went to the bathroom.” That was the date when Esther expected them to split the bill.
Esther felt that Jeremy was not respecting her. She wanted to help him pay for the bill because he always took her to expensive restaurants. She did not want to solely rely on him for everything. She felt that Jeremy’s actions predicted that in the future, Esther would have to stay at home to be a housewife. (Something she did not want to do.) She felt that Jeremy was limiting her.
Jeremy only wanted to please Esther. He just wanted her to have everything he can give her. To be honest, “he felt that his money is her money, and her money is her money.” He did not mean to be controlling. He only wanted to be a gentleman…
I guess Esther felt that he was too thrifty. She did not see his actions as honorable. Although I do not know how Esther felt exactly, I am assuming she and Jeremy were still strangers. He may have asked her out and she said “yes,” but they did not have this connection. This connection could be friendship. (However, if they were too good of friends, Jeremy might have gotten friend-zoned.) Yet, this connection can just be feelings.
How do we describe these feelings? The typical…
- “Butterflies in your stomach.”
- “Your heart skips a beats just thinking about this person.”
- “You would think about this person, all the time!”
- “Get nervous but excited when seeing this person.”
Something Esther may not know is that Jeremy worked hard to pay for all those meals. He worked hard to buy her things. Jeremy had to take on multiple part-time jobs. In the morning, he worked as an office boy; while at night, he delivered fast food. Because he had to work, Jeremy was only available on the weekends. He was not able to take Esther out on the weekdays, or too late on the weekends. If Esther was just a regular friend, Jeremy would not mind splitting the bill. But to Jeremy, Esther was more than a regular friend. Esther was his girlfriend, he wanted to give her everything!
I think some miscommunication was happening between Jeremy and Esther. But I cannot solely side with either of them. I understand how important this relationship was to Jeremy, but he should have let Esther help chip in with the bills. Or, he could have allowed Esther to pay for the meal (as she wanted to) and then buy her dessert. This give and take system would have made Esther feel more comfortable, because she would not feel as if she is mooching off of Jeremy. And for Jeremy, there will always be a next date because there is always someone waiting to pay the bills for the next date. (It may feel like a race to be the last person to pay the bills, but over time, when two people become more comfortable together, a new system will be in place.)
“If I had a boyfriend… I think I would like the idea of him paying the bills. But in reality, I feel that this will not be true for me. I feel that my future boyfriend and I would each pay for our own things, which is quite sad. I would feel bad if he paid for everything at every meal. Unless he is my husband, because this is our money. But I would not mind paying for the meal because we are in this relationship together. I cannot make him bare sole responsibility of taking care of me without me taking care of him back. Love actually, is about giving and taking.”
So to conclude this segment of “If I Had a Boyfriend…Spending,” I want my fellow readers to think about their relationships at the moment. Does your boyfriend pay for everything? How do you feel when he does? He may need to take on multiple part-time jobs just to go on a date with you. I just cannot bare to imagine how much sleep my boyfriend would be getting juggling school, work, and me. I would be like Esther and feel over-benefited. I do not want my boyfriend to under-benefit, even if he is okay with it. But honestly, in a relationship, nothing will be Even-Steven. Like I said, “Love actually, is about giving and taking.” We cannot calculate exactly how much we gave to know how much we should receive back.
I sympathize that Jeremy and Esther’s relationship did not work out. But I hope they learned that there will never be a balance between giving and receiving. “Sometimes, she may receive more and he will be the only one giving. Other times, she is giving it her all, but he does not want to receive it.”-Winksfairy12 When two people love and care for each other, they will stop worrying about who gave or received more/less because it does not matter anymore. At this point, these two people are both giving, hoping for each other to receive nothing but the best!
Thank you for reading! I hope you learned about what giving and receiving is in this segment of “If I had a Boyfriend Series.”:)
And as always, Keep on DayDreaming! ❤